After reading an article on Korean business in the newest Economist, I suddenly feel pale and useless. Indeed, all the arguments I have gone through for the concentrated shareholding structure in Germany and dispersed structure in America may explain why the American firms perform better than the old continental ones. But for Korea, it is totally a different story. Samsung and Hyundai must belong to the concentrated case; nevertheless, it does not make any hurdle for these two conglomerates to excel in a fast evolving economy at all. So how far can the shareholding structure go is under dispute, at least in the case of Korea. And are the models useful at all? The short answer is yes. But if it is only true when it has so many variables and factors to satisfy, how easy can we transfer the findings in one area (say Europe) to another (say Asia)?

Another Saturday before the exam, I totally gave up the revision. The revision is like the morning sick of pregnant woman, leaving me no appetite for any texts at all. This is getting serious. I have spent very little time studying in last week and I still have a lot to cover. Just forget that for one more day. The first thing I did after getting up was to buy two newspapers, the Times and the Telegraph. Do not think I am a regular reader of these papers. It is merely the DVDs that I am after. The Times is giving out The Secret Garden today while the Telegraph’s special offer is Macbeth. This is a great benefit of being a British reader, as nearly all the national newspapers here have reconciled with the fate that the decline of readership of weekend papers is destined. The threat from Internet media is so much that it forces the traditional media to give up dignity by giving away DVDs free. This is their American counterparts simply cannot accept, whose publishers cannot tolerate the readers grabbing the DVDs and throwing away the paper without a look.

I am happy with these almost regular freebies. The Secret Garden is a children’s classic. As a novel I like it a lot. But the TV series is less charming, or rather disappointed, partly due to the colourless video. I have certainly grown up, and I am not really touched by the TV series made by BBC in 1976. So after watching it, I decided to go to a real garden in good weather. Indeed, it is full of sunshine today. It is not just today but for quite a while that London did not have plenty of rain. According to the forecast, after a thirty-year coldest winter, Britain will suffer the most serious draught this summer. But let’s worry about that later. Spring has just shown its most charming face to us. A two-hour walk in Hyde Park did cheer me up a lot. I can drink and smell the fresh green, absolutely delicious.

Evening time I watched Macbeth, a TV version by Trevor Nunn, and Sir Ian Mckellen as Macbeth. This is a much heavier piece of work and I probably missed a lot of meaning of the play. Strange enough, I always thought of myself as a person who appreciates simplicity. But in terms of music and plays, complexity seems more attractive to me. It may be harder to understand at first, but the depth that I could reach makes me thrill. I know I will play Macbeth again and again once I have time.

So after such a relaxing day, I wish I can do a lot of reading tomorrow on my exam subjects. I shall work in library while the Londoners are running this year’s Marathon. Time is up and we are all running, only in different tracks.

Lucky enough my computer survived a massive flood. The last entry on glass and water is vivid in terms of describing my feelings, but it is not a nice thing to happen to my computer in a non-virtual world. Actually, it is not water that flooded my laptop, but some vinegar. The consequence is that now my computer smells vinegar and some of the keys are not as light as the others (I tried to clean them up and lost one of the most important keys, the downward arrow). This may not make a difference to other computers, but IBM has a reputation for its keyboards, and it just reminds me how good my keyboard used to be. But I am just feeling lucky that I can still use my laptop to type this entry.

Four years that I have been working on this computer. Alas I have done very little to it until of course what happened to the keyboards (I did not expect myself to be so destructive). This makes me feel quite sad. I have just visited my friend’s work, a website designed for a painter. It is not a fancy complicated one, but it suits well with the gallery of the painter. I do not know how she did it, but I guess, to digitalize all the Chinese painting is not an easy job. Look back, what could I do after a three-year degree? I am still lack of any practical skills. If I have learnt any thing from my degree, I learnt to analyse problems and more importantly in a strict and logical way. But how useful is that is still full of uncertainty. In the last episode of the Apprentice, Ruth again demonstrated her ability as a saleswoman. I cannot imagine myself to be a great persuader. But definitely I can see how important it is to be good at selling and sadly I am not good at it.

But I will leave these unanswered questions for now. Just spent two days revising Law and Economics, the first exam that I am going to have, I cannot understand some maths in a paper. Rather than trying to understand them, I suspect the paper is wrong. Not again, especially this time, in a famous journal. This should be checked many times by the editors so that they can make sure the paper is correct, I reckon. Call this a spirit of suspect, another result for my four-year study here.

So apart from that, I have done very little. I managed to book flights to Zurich. I also have completed my booking for my five-day trip to Italy, visiting Rome and Venice. I also finalized the flight from Venice to Berlin to start my final opportunity to speak some German. It is not only me who is travelling a bit in this summer. I said hello to D on MSN and learnt that she was going to Iceland to do a volunteer work. Great idea of D.

My great idea during the exam period is to go for the Three-Emperor exhibition in London. It was opened by Hu Jing Tao when he had the state visit to Britain last November. The exhibition was held in Royal Society of Art, which has a magnificent view from its gate at Piccadilly. But the actual space is not quite a match with its entrance gate. But after saying that, the exhibition itself is something very unusual. I met the curator in an auction house talk before, so my inside information tells me that there are more than a hundred and forty pieces of first grade antiques in it. This requires special authorization from Chinese Council, which specifies that the maximum number of first grade antiques allowed for any overseas exhibition is 37. But anyway, Londoners got an amazing Chinese dream realized.

Before my actual visit, I have been building up my expectations, the paintings under huge glasses, colourful clothes worn by the emperors and priceless collections by Kang, Yong and Qian. But it turns out for me that it is so western-skewed images of Chinese art. The collections by the three emperors are not the ones dated back thousands of years, but very recent ones by the temporary artists. Surprisingly, the unnamed official painters’ works are displayed with great care and attract a lot of eyeballs. These paintings play a documentary role, recording the customs and regulations of official and royal ceremonies. One of them records the eightieth birthday of Kangxi and beside it is that of Qianglong. The similarity and lack of creativity is so obvious that I wonder why they show these two together. Also, the paintings of Lang Shi Ning is pretty westernised to me. But how well he combines the western and eastern cultural especially paintings together is a question and my answer would be no. Nevertheless, it still gives us today a great opportunity to peer into what emperors’ lives were. I enjoyed the smaller scale paintings on Yongzhen in different costumes. According to the documentary Gugong, Yong was always occupied with work; therefore he had very little time to entertain. To overcome this boredom, he ordered Lang Shi Ning to paint him fishing, farming, hunting etc and he enjoyed these paintings very much. So to me, to be able to see these painting are interesting because there are stories behind them. In terms of art, I still know little, so let the art critics write about it for the sake of art. That is nearly the end of my story on the Three Emperor exhibition. Just one more thing and that is the decorative items are really worthwhile to see.  The decorative items such as a jade sculpture of a lady standing beside a door and a ceramic revolving bottle are really fascinating and they show how great Chinese artisans can achieve and had achieved at a relatively early period in western terms (apart from Roman empire).

Another event I went during Easter is a choir-singing concert held in Royal Albert Hall. It is absolutely a great honour for any music group to hold a concert in RAH. But this time, but somehow the group is not what I have expected. It is just not the kind of music for me. The choir is from Finland, the band is from England and the orchestra is from Kirgizstan. I reckon this is the weirdest combination I have ever come across up to now. The first part of the concert is boring. The songs are similar and too pop music. They are similar to Enya’s music and also make me think of the background music of Scottish dancing. After the interval, my friend and I move to the stall. Somehow the second part makes me feel much better. Maybe it is because I am closer to the orchestra so that the music sounds better. But more importantly, the second part tries to mix with the Kirgizstan traditional music instrument. Somehow, after four years’ love with SOAS, I have kind of formed a taste for traditional and authentic folk music. Every culture or more specifically every music instrument is unique. So I like that kind of music, which is royal to their traditions. Even though the concert is getting better, it is still a pity that the brightness of Kirgizstan music did not shine very much, probably, (at least in my opinion), because the choir out shouted every other part. In one word, the concert is too pop.

This rather disappointing experience reminds me of the intended reform of Jing Opera in China when I was studying in a middle school. Back then, the supporters argue that going pop for Jing Opera was the only way for the traditional music to have enough audience in modern days and live to the future. But the oppositions insist to remain the tradition is more important than everything else. Today, I will stand with the opposition. To go pop means Jing Opera is not Jing Opera any more, then what is the point of keeping a twisted form that throw away the greatness of culture and tradition.

To some extent, we might want to ask, what is the point of going multicultural. That every country is going for multicultural is similar in a way that everyone is going for pop music concert. Then where can we find the authentic culture? I hear the music of opera is fading away.

Easter Monday, the weather is really good. But I still have my exams to prepare for, so even though this is great time to appreciate the first smell and sight of spring, I am actually staying at home.

But the temptation is strong, or my will power is too weak, so I am not doing any serious study at all. My day starts with the movie Edwards End, and it is my fourth time to watch it. Now I finally fully understand what the movie is all about. But even without any understanding of the movie, the scenes are beautiful enough to make any one fall in love with it. Yes, I cannot wait to finish my exams and hopefully travel a bit to the wildness, and a graduation trip will do, but the timing is always difficult. I have already withdrawn from a trip to Italy with my friend, after a two-week planning. Since when we all have a busy schedule or it is just me who is self-indulgent and self-obsessed, just like the younger sister in Edwards End?

The sunshine pours into my room, and my computer is playing Maria Callas’ La Bohemia. A good and relaxed start for a nice day like this, I repeat this to myself. After sending a few messages around, I did not find anyone to go out for a drink. Feeling lonely and suddenly realized that I am the only one who still stick to my own life. True that sometimes the glass of my life is so full that it spills with one more drop of water. And then when the draught comes, it is so eager to absorb any liquid, only to find out that the next rain season is far away. Just like now I am deserted in a dry season.

Oh, do not be silly. The days are not bad. It is only emotion that is disturbing my tranquil life. I should have nothing to complain. Is it true that all the people around my age or just I suffer from this volatile emotion? Why only I seem to be so scared to grow up while witnessing everyone around me maturing happily? No matter how many books I read, I cannot find a way out. Practice, yes, it is the practice and determination that matters, not just the idealistic theory.

I will take time to be accustomed to this. But first of all, I should prepare for my exams. I pick up the textbooks and try to read. The music is still going on and my life will go on despite all the gloomy thoughts during the exam period. A typical image of me reflected in an empty glass, which is crying out for some water. Luckily spring is not a season short of rain, isn’t it? 

Dominique de Villepin, the prime minister, had come to accept that a main cause of France’s high unemployment, especially among the young, is an overly regulated labour market, with a high minimum wage and fierce restrictions on firing people. But he also knew that a vocal opposition would hold up his attempts to change any of these rules. Hence his decision to push through the new contract not after full consultation but by decree, in the hope of facing down subsequent resistance (from Economist).

The rationale behind the reform is correct and convincing. But the reform itself may not sound so much. Reform is always painful. But there is no other way out for France and Italy. To destined in decline or to change? The choice is too obvious to make. Then why French decide to shout out NON in streets?

The core is the credibility and fairness of the supposed reforms. First, why should people believe that reform would happen rather than politicians building up their own presidential candidates profiles? The mobs in streets are not unaware of the problem in their own lives or the problem in the heart of France. But they are fed up with the empty promises made by politicians. If sacrifice has to be made, then people expect a payback and reward by taking such sacrifices. If the fruit of reform is not certain, then why should we take the risk to execute a high cost and painful change?

Second, the reform’s cost is not shared evenly. The notoriety of insider and outsider story of Germany continues in France. Through reform the outsiders—the young, the unemployed may find it easier for them to find a job. But there is also caveat: the employers can take advantage of the new contract to exploit young labour and fire them at a cheaper price. This contracts with the well-protected insiders, who are less affected by the new legislation.

So what can make reforms accepted in France? One brave suggestion is to separate these reform policies from politics. The independence of central banks makes their monetary policies more credible, which lowers the cost of adjustment. Could this happen in macroeconomics reforms (full independence of whatever institution that is responsible for the reform), a wide agreement among voters, businessmen, trade unions and others is easier to achieve. Could this ever happen, we might ask why we still keep politicians on the earth?

The pressure is there either from me or from my parents. Indeed, the overseas education cost my family a big fortune. So why do you study abroad and pay such huge amount of money if you decide to work in a local firm in Shanghai? A very strong argument from my parents determined my fate that I should strive here for survival.

I do not have much to say. Four years ago, I was naïve and did not think much about that. Working is still something too far to think about. All I was excited about is a new environment. But now, my caveat to the parents in China who wish to send their children abroad is that: the path is not straight.

Compared with my peers, I am extremely lucky. But even so, I still often suffer from all kinds of lowness. Everyone’s experience is unique, but the same is that it will not always be sweet. Sometimes it is bitter, and sometimes it is sour. The visible cost is easy to calculate, but there is more that you cannot calculate.

For those parents, sending your children studying abroad is one thing, but leaving them working there is another matter. If you do wish your children to develop in a totally different continent, do let them know before so that they can be prepared. I am prepared in terms of skills that employers are looking for, but I am not prepared psychologically. The retreat of any working plans back in China may give me more incentive to fight for survival here. But reluctance is reluctance, a simple fact that I cannot change.

Why can’t we see the education fee a sunk cost? Shouldn’t we pay just to widen our own minds and get international experience? Return and reward may not depend on education at all, as some people suggested; education is just a signalling system. That is education does not necessarily teach the students much useful in their real jobs, but a signalling system that differentiate the high ability ones from the low ability ones, by incurring a high cost that is not affordable for the low ability ones.

One o’clock is not late any more for a night animal like me. After I took a shower, the steam is not disappearing. In the mirror, I saw an ambiguous face. Confused and stressed am I after a four-hour dinner party in the Draper’s hall, a seventeenth century building next to the London Stock Exchange whose history is even longer.

But I am not old at all, rather like my email account suggested I am fresh.  I have just signed up my first job contract. But now I doubt if I have signed up for the right job. Lack of confidence and negative attitude is still my biggest problem. Standing in a sea of ambitious men dressed in black, I was almost swallowed by them, dressed in a pale Chinese Qipao, looking small and weak. This is not a right image nor message for me to deliver when two directors decided to turn up and join my dinner table.

It is already difficult for women to stay in business. It is harder for a Chinese woman in financial market. Is this a simple fact or it is just my own negative attitude that is dominating the whole evening? The saleswoman’s miracle in Japan does not have much persuasive effect on me. But I do wonder how the Chinese women survive in Wall Street.

I always strive for excellent performance. I try to convince myself by looking at the noticeable achievement. But I cannot be more wrong. Confidence is from the inside, not from the outside. Feeling is something only I have access to and my feeling will not change no matter how much recognition I will get.

There is a black hole in my thinking. Normally rationality is the equal weighted counterpart so that I can keep myself in balance. Why now the essential rationality escapes me? I cannot persuade myself. As the night is turning pale blue, I started calling and writing.

The newest development: I was scared of the future that was lying ahead of me. The night in Draper’s Hall was terrible. But after a lunch in Yo Sushi the next day, I find a philosophy in the oriental culture: the best defence is to attack. To survive the best strategy is to be better than the boys. If I am destined to end up lonely in a male dominant environment, I will try my best to prove that if I am not better than them, at least I am not worse than them.

Thanks to J and M in London.