Six months in the job, things finally start to change a little bit. On the one hand, confidence starts to accumulate, and intention to build up good reputation means accepting criticism is getting harder. On the other hand, some of the same year analysts are performing much better, leaving me suspect if I am good enough for the job.

So coming back from a three-day training, I am trying to catch up with all the studying material. There is no need for my superior to tell me that I am not excellent technically. I knew it. I knew all the problems but it does not help to solve all the problems. It is always easier to be said than to be done.

Security is the word. When choosing the job, I know I am not taking on a job for life. But still, after spending days and nights trying to be a better worker, I find out that I am not good enough, is more than bad. It is terrifying and I am horrified.

Then some one might say, this is not 100% of your life. But if you do recognize that you have nothing else to pursue at this stage of the life, the consequence is more than sad or sorrow.

Why am I having all these sighs? After all, 25th January is not my bonus day. Missing the first two acts of Carmen is bad, but still not worth all these words. If there is any link between my words and the performance I missed, it will be fate. For Carmen, she knows the predicted destiny and she faces it without fear. Death glorifies the heroin. But for me, the cards have not foretell my future yet. Is it really destiny that all of us cannot escape? I wish I were a futurist.